A Twisted Sort of Matchmaking
by Honey Almond Chocolate
Summary: Sirius Black and Marlene McKinnon hate each other. So naturally they're absolutely perfect for each other, at least according to Lily Evans. And she'll go to any measure to get them to date- even working with her greatest enemy, James Potter. Rated a T for swearing and references. May go up later.


******A/N. I wrote this for the Marauders Era Challenge Prompts, ahoy! which consisted of a list of prompts you need to include in your story. Just so you know, this _will _be a multichaptered fic. Hope you enjoy! :)**

**Disclaimer: If I was JK Rowling, I'd fangirl every time I looked in a mirror. But I don't, so I'm not.**

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**Chapter One:**  
**The Blasted Bastard**  
_In which Sirius is a bloody idiot_

**Main prompts** - Greenhouse Three & Mayhem  
**Prompts mentioned** - "I'm not even going to try to understand what you've just said"; Head Girl and Boy; patrol duties; _and_ "Can you do me a favour? Grow up or sod off!"

"You are_ such_ a bloody idiot!" Marlene McKinnon's screams rocked Greenhouse Three.

Professor Sprout and the rest of the class were cowering in the corner, watching the utter mayhem in fear. The Venomous Tentacula plants were hugging their teddy bears. The Mandrakes were frightened into silence.

And it was all because of that blasted bastard Sirius Black. Currently the said bastard was showing why he had been sorted into Gryffindor and was very stupidly, but very, very bravely, facing down an irate Marlene McKinnon.

"You think you're so cool, Black, but you're not. Why do you have such a fat head if you have so little brains? In fact, you're such an idiot that if your brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow up a snail shell." Marlene hissed.

"Well, then it's a good thing my brains aren't dynamite," Sirius shot back, smirking. "But you know what else I've been told is dynamite?"

"We all know, Black. You in the sack, you tell everybody that about twenty times a day," Marlene said snarkily.

"And give the lady a prize!" Sirius roared, smiling like a game show host. "But unfortunately for you, McKinnon, you won't ever get to find out what I'm like 'in the sack', as you so eloquently put it. And you know why?"

"Do enlighten me," Marlene said with a deadly calm.

"Cause you're a bossy, zitfaced prude. You probably don't even know what 'that's what she said' means," Sirius retorted.

"I'm not even going to try to understand what you've just said," Marlene retorted coolly. "You know what, Black, at least I'm not an arrogant chowderheaded manwhore who has his head stuck so far up his arse he can see out his mouth!" Marlene's voice had risen to a shriek. Sirius ducked as a potted plant came hurtling towards him. When he looked up, the greenhouse door was swinging shut and Marlene was storming back up the path to the castle.

"My God, McKinnon, calm down!" Sirius yelled after her. "Loosen up a bit for once- or do you know how to do that?"

"Padfoot!" Remus shouted hoarsely from the corner of the room. "Watch out! That's not any potted plant, that's a-"

The baby Mandrake that Marlene had thrown suddenly realised it wasn't tucked up nice and cosy in its pot anymore, and opened its mouth wide. Sirius's eyes widened in realisation and he scrabbled for a pair of earmuffs, but belatedly realised that in the heat of his and Marlene's argument, the rest of the class had snapped on a pair of earmuffs as a precaution for the screaming and pot-throwing.

And so it was that Sirius Black was the only one who heard the Mandrake's scream and the only one to wake up later in the Hospital Wing with a nasty headache. "I swear, James, I'm going to get her if it's the last thing that I do," Sirius said menacingly to his friend.

"Yeah, but just remember you can't get her without me too!" James said, affronted.

Lily, who as Head Girl had to accompany the Head Boy on patrol duties ("Although visiting your friends does not constitute as patrol duties," she had said stiffly, to which James had replied, "But he's injured, Lils! Wouldn't you visit Alice or McKinnon if they were in the hospital wing?") frowned at James. "Potter, don't you dare try and get back at Marlene. You will regret it. Same goes for you, Black." Lily returned to her book, then looking up, added, "Marlene was right. You are an idiot."

Sirius sat up indignantly, but immediately cried, "Ow! My head!" He fell back, clutching the aforementioned body part and moaning. "I'm not going to make it, Prongs! I can see the light!" he groaned theatrically. "Tell Lilykins that you love her!"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Potter, let's go. For all we know, a murderer could be sneaking into the castle this very moment, and we wouldn't be able to stop him!"

"We wouldn't be able to stop him anyway," James logically pointed out.

"That's not the point," Lily growled. "The point is that I am not about to spend one more minute in the presence of this vile creature." She gestured toward Sirius.

"You're very eager to get away with James, aren't you, Evans?" Sirius commented lazily.

Lily flushed, but stated coolly, "Can you do me a favour? Grow up or sod off!"

And she marched out of the hospital wing, James in tow.

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**A/N. There's the first chapter... and not much to say except that it's CHRISTMAS! And all I want for Christmas is you to review. ;)  
**


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